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Apr. 3rd, 2009

This is how it works:

At least in my case, I tend to have depressive episodes for one of the following reasons: some specific stimulus (losing my job, fighting with my mother, etc.); hormones (I tend to get nuts the day or two before my period); response to a medication (standard anti-depressants make me sick, manic, or more depressed than I already was, much to my chagrin); or, and this is my favorite, for no particular reason at all. Alright, reason #4 is actually a subset of reason #1, but sometimes I can't pin down the thing that set me off until later.

Right now, though, I'm not sure what set me off. I started my period around midnight Wednesday into Thursday, but if that was the cause, I should be fine by now. The new medication I started on Saturday can cause depression. And I know that the new volunteer job is fucking with my head more than I think it's worth. I'm just not sure which thing is at fault, or if it's a combination, or what. (I do know that if the meds aren't make it worse, they certainly aren't helping, either.) And due to the way that I shut down when I'm depressed, I'm not able to talk to anyone to ask for help. Odd, that the panic attacks are generally more debilitating, and yet I seem to be able to reach out during them in a way that I can't when I'm depressed.

And while my comp is theoretically fixed, it's still having some of the problems that led up to the big nasty crash that turned into a slash-and-burn reformat last weekend. I don't have the energy or money to replace it right now.

And I can't get WoW to install, which means I can't kill things to soothe my nerves, and that's not helping, either.

And I seem to have run out of prep-less food again. I really need to do some cooking so that I've got microwaveable meals around, but right now even getting up and cutting up a few slices of cheese is too much work.

I hate this.

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