AN ENIGMA GAVE A PARADOX A VERY SPECIAL HUG (melayneseahawk) wrote,
AN ENIGMA GAVE A PARADOX A VERY SPECIAL HUG
melayneseahawk

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graffiti on your body

This was going to be about something else, really.

But I'm at that point where the frustrations of the day have mostly drained out of me, but I'm not yet ready to sleep. And rufus just posted a thing about tattoos, and I kind of wanted to talk about my thoughts on the subject my insecurities, let me show you them.

I have never, as long as I can remember, been comfortable in my body. It ranges from the mild sort of body awkwardness that I should have grown out of once my body stopped changing on me on a regular basis, to the conviction that not even my body is on my side. If you've been here long enough you probably know more than enough about my medical history, but let me just say that I've collected enough non-life threatening conditions to win Bingo or something. And I'm not kidding when I say I wish I could trade in for a new one.

Part of the problem, of course, is that most of the time I barely recognize the person in the mirror. I've never really talked about this, but there was a period of time when I thought I might actually be transsexual because the person I saw in the mirror looked wrong. I've since determined that's not the case, but I'm still surprised by what is apparently my face. And they body attached--with its bony wrists and uneven breasts and uneven shoulders and oversized feet--is no different.

I guess I've always wanted to lay claim to my body in some way. Not to make the outside match the inside or something like that, but to do something so that I can look at my body and say, "Yeah, this belongs to me." Not scars, though each of those has its story (and most of those are surgeries). If anything, the scars are just a reminder of the times my body has failed me; places where I've had to intervene just to keep things going.

Tattoos, then, would be the logical solution, but I'm not sure about it. Is there really anything that I'd want to permanently add to this skin that, I suppose, is mine? (I'm not even going to start on the significance of tattoos to a family with a history like mine.) My utter lack of pain tolerance doesn't even come into the equation, because I've never even gotten close enough to consider it.

And really, my mental state being what it is? I really shouldn't be making that kind of decision now, anyway.
Tags: 42, graffiti on you body, mel the medical marvel
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