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The Unfuckables, Mel-style

Inspired by littpiski and prionz_rok: a list of things to say/do that will guarantee you will NOT get laid (at least by me).

10. Saying that you're good with virgins, trying to do it "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" anyway, and then when I tell you to maybe try working up to the main event declaring that you won't go down on me because I'm bleeding. Which was your fault in the first place.
10b. Making the exact same mistake when I decide to give you another try.

9. Telling me that your girlfriend is "fine with it" when I know for a fact that you haven't told her. I will not let your punk-ass turn me into the other woman.

8. "This girl I'm interested in said yes to me, so I don't think we should mess around anymore." And during the Yankees season opener, too.
8b. "She dumped me, you want to mess around again?"

7. Don't offer to buy me a drink with that lascivious look on your face. I'm not that kind of girl. And the fact that you think I am seriously fucked your chances.

6. This may be sizeism (not that I care), but if your fat could suffocate someone twice my size, get away from me. I'm not looking for something out of a magazine, I like a girl with curves (and they don't all have to be tits, ass, or hips), but seriously, take some interest in your health.

5. Don't insist on paying for dinner. I'm not going to let you, and the more you fight the angrier I'm going to be.

4. "How old are you?" Yeah, ok, I look 5 years younger than I actually am most of the time. Still, this question is hinky: either you're attracted to me because I look so young, and that's a little scary; or you're concerned about potential legal ramifications, and that's even scarier.
4b. "How old are you?" "Why do you want to know?" "Well, I want to talk to you, but I want to make sure you're...you know." *headdesk*

3. "Are you a *giggle*" "A what?" "*giggle*" "A lesbian?" If you can't say it, you're sure as hell not ready to sleep with one.

2. No, I will not sleep with your girlfriend. Especially if you're planning on watching. Lesbian hunting is skeevy.

And the number one way to not get laid:

1. "You just haven't met the right guy yet." Oh, hell ass balls no.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 20th, 2008 10:12 pm (UTC)
I don't think I've ever heard you say "punk-ass" in real life, but it's making me laugh in my head.

We'll age well (or so I keep telling myself).
Sep. 20th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
I have, but very rarely. I blame my co-workers.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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