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IAWTC

My mother shares no portion of the blame that I am bleeding from my vagina. My mother was going to give me an X-chromosome no matter what. My dad, however, had a choice. He could give me an X-chromosome and make me bleed from my vagina every month for the rest of my life, or he could give me a Y-chromosome and I'd only have to worry about the rare instances when someone tried to kick me in the balls (presumably a woman who was bleeding from her vagina and realized it was ALL MY FAULT). My dad managed the former option. Therefore, it is his fault that I am bleeding from my vagina.

By extension, every single man who has fathered a female child is at fault. Those who only have male children may think they're in the clear, but they willingly fathered children knowing that there was a 50% chance that this child might have a bleeding vagina. The fact that they got lucky does not absolve them from this responsibility. Men who have not fathered any children yet, likewise, are guilty because they probably still want to have sex with women some day. One may think it unjust to punish men for crimes not yet committed, but given that most men live for 20+ years before they father children with bleeding vaginas and that men have, on average, a shorter lifespan than women, many men would only be punished 40 or 50 years for this crime. Anyone who has experienced cramps (and is guaranteed to experience them once a month, every month, for at least 30 or so years) knows this isn't enough for the crime committed. Therefore, in this case, preemptive punishment is necessary.

As a result, all straight and bisexual men are guilty. The issue of gay and asexual men is a bit trickier. Sure, if they are of the opinion that they don't want biological children, one may think they're in the clear. However, they still behave as though they're guilty, so they must have done something wrong. They're men, and I have a bleeding vagina. That's argument enough for me at the moment. :P

...And so, now that it is proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is ALL MEN'S FAULT, we now come to the issue of retribution. Contrary to what most men believe, women with bleeding vaginas are not entirely indiscriminate in their Hulk-smashin' slaughter. If such were the case, every man on the planet would be castrated within a year of reaching puberty. Rather, men must obey these simple rules to avoid having their balls nailed to the front door as a warning to all other men who may pass by. These rules are simple:

1. When women have godlike powers to destroy you, treat them like goddesses and bring frequent offerings of chocolate. Lots of it.
2. Do not try to argue that women are unreasonable/wrong/etc. We know where your balls live, and we're not afraid to obliterate them.
3. Do not pull out the "at least you can't get kicked in the balls!" argument, or soon you, too, will not be able to get kicked in the balls, because you will no longer possess any.
4. Duck. A lot.

Men often say that women are impossible to understand. I consider the previous a thoroughly instructive essay on how to understand women 25% of the time. :P

And, with that: *sporks uterus repeatedly*


kantayra, quoted here on metaquotes

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
ibneko
Feb. 4th, 2009 11:05 pm (UTC)
:: quite amused::
starkravingsane
Feb. 5th, 2009 05:42 pm (UTC)
I feel like I should show this to my criminal law class. :-D
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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